The Alpha Myth
When I was in my early or mid 20’s, I worked with a man named Sasha. Sasha was a Ukranian immigrant who worked door to door sales with me. He was someone who had been doing the job longer, but was not able to hit the next level as quickly as I had. At the time I did not understand why, but now I do.
Just about everything about Sasha screamed “salesman.”. He drove an old BMW because he liked the status of it. HE always wore red power ties with his suits. Even the way he shook people’s hands felt sales-y. This is the memory I keep coming back to.
You see Sasha had this method of shaking hands to “dominate” a customer. He would turn his wrist in such a way so that he made the person feel slightly awkward. It was never painful, but the feeling never left me. The idea of being dominated in a greeting alway rubbed m the wrong way.
Sasha was trying, with every fiber of his being, to be an alpha. The sad part is it as holding him back.
The term “alpha” was created by a scientist by the name of Rudolf Shenkel in 1948. It was used to explain the behavior of wolves in captivity. The term was popularized by David Mech in 1968 in his book The Wolf: The Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species. You see mech wrote his book and borrowed heavily from Shenkel’s studies. He talked about how wolves would vie for dominance and eventually certain alpha males would win out.
Here is the problem. This only happens when wolves are in captivity. Wolves in the wild adhere to very different social structures more akin to family dynamics. This is something Mech noticed when studying wolves in the Arctic. When he did notice, he spent decades fighting against the common misconceptions of HIS OWN RESEARCH. He wrote article after article correcting his misinformation. However the term “Alpha” escaped into the everyday lexicon.
The idea of wolves behaving like “alphas” only happens when they are afraid. When they are concerned that there will be a scarcity of resources. Most “alpha” males are the same way. They feel the need to dominate others because there is not enough resources for everyone. This scarcity mindset makes them feel like every situation is a win-lose scenario. They have to make everything a zero-sum game because if they do not walk away with every chip on the table, they are afraid they will starve.
Alphas are obsessed with strength and dominance. This is the way they see the world. That does not mean it is the way you need to.
When I was young, I learned the phrase “no one wins a fist fight”. Being involved in a lot of fights, I thought there was clearly a winner and a loser, but in reality there were just differing degrees of losers. Even when I won a fight, I left with bruised knuckles and ribs. I may have been the last one standing, but I did not win. I simply lost less than the other guy.
Dealing with Alphas is the same thing. You may walk away with a deal, but they probably won’t buy from you a second time. And if you lose, you lose big.
The problem is, no matter how big of an “alpha” you are, eventually you will meet a bigger Alpha. It is an unsustainable arms race.
Stop thinking boxing, and start thinking Judo. Don’t stand in the ring and trade punches. Instead learn to re-direct their charge and use their momentum against them.
The truth is no one wins a fist fight, and playing the alpha only invites more fist fights. Learn to listen and re-direct. Not argue.